Let me indulge myself for awhile. Let me pour everything out.
I have listen to all of your stories. Shared in your pains and joys. Been there to wipe your tears, gave you a shoulder to cry on, helped put a smile back to your face.
Just this once --- give this moment to me. However petty or trivial my concerns maybe to you. They are still mine and are grave to me. So please understand that.
I did not judge. I did not lecture. I did not mock.
All i did was listen to what you had to say. And that's all I ask of you now.
Forgive me if I allow myself to indulge in self pity. That's how I cope. I've been trying to convince myself that I am better than this. But I am not. I've been trying to get out of this quicksand of self pity, but I've been moving too much, I fall even deeper.
I know it's not healthy to indulge in self pity, but like an addiction -- i keep on coming back for more. Don't get me wrong, I do want to get better, but I don't see that happening in the near future.
Please do not judge me because you are in a good place right now, because I did not judge you when you were going through worse.
I am sorry. Very sorry.
I just don't get to talk about how i feel or what i go through. I do not think i am worthy of anybody's time. That's why I do not bother all of you with my problems. It's always been like that.
I can vent here because I think not many would read through this extensive entry. Because it's too long, no one would bother read it. And that's a good thing. I just want these thoughts out of my system. So, there's no editing, no proof reading --- just raw feelings and thoughts.
Here goes my indulgence---
- I think my-ex was only with me because of the material benefits that went with our relationship --- not because he truly loved me.
- Romantic attractions prior or later that relationship was never reciprocated.
- My dad may have loved his other family more than he loved us.
- All my friends are earning at least twice my salary.
- Gained, lost and gained weight again and again.
- Flawed skin. Need not elaborate.
- No major talent. No major passion.
- Unsure of my potential in my line of work.
All these may seem petty to you. But to me, these are the hurdles I have to overcome each day.
Again, sorry for indulging in self-pity. It's my only way of coping.
(I hope not many would read this.)
3 comments:
i read it not because i am addicted to reading blogs, not because you ask me to, not because i have nothing to do...i read it because you are a dear friend and i want to know what's bugging you in that way i will know you more and understand you better.
i do have my own issues...
1. i dont think my ex even loved me
2. my parents expect more than what i can really do. im never good enough
3. i have lots of friends too who are earning more than i do but we basically do the same things.
4. i have my weight problems too
5. how about my mala-palo palong legs?!
6. i am always passionate about alot of things that i seldom finish what i started. Mama claims that the only thing i have finish is my degree!
They might be petty to you but they are the things that bothers me everyday. :)
Thanks for reading my blog.
Thanks for making me feel that I am not alone --- moreover, that my concerns are valid.
Thanks for being vulnerable to make me feel strong.
Most of all, thanks for being interested.
i came too brutal the other night... sorry for that.
i agree, all of us have personal issues that we try to resolve everyday. some of your issues are my issues too.
but for me, you have already achieve something. you have definite plans at least, you earn extra money from sidelines, you came out of that desctructive relationship and moved on.
maybe you are being too hard on yourself...
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